Never Have I Ever

When I was fairly young, I had the inkling that as well as my love for getting lost in a good story, I might one day like to write one as well. I have this extremely vivid memory of being in grade two and writing my own Frog and Toad story. To this day, I can recite that tale almost exactly as I wrote it all those years ago.

When I was a teenager, I remember several occasions of sitting at the family computer and writing a page or two of - in hindsight - utter nonsense. I had the desire to write, but I didn't have the stories yet. I think some people are incredibly fortunate in that they can tell wonderful stories from a young age, with accuracy and believability. What I learnt at the tender age of 15 was that I hadn't had enough life experience yet.

Through my late teens and early twenties, I continued to sporadically noodle around with my words, but between figuring out how to be a functioning adult, working full time, keeping a house, and then having babies, it was never very serious.

In my mid-twenties, a husband, three kids and a dog deep into life, my experiences finally smiled down at me and I was at last able to begin a story that I didn't abandon. Trying to write anything with a five-year-old, a two-year-old and a baby was challenging enough, so I would sneak quick writing sessions whenever I had the opportunity and inclination - often going months without so much as looking at my laptop.

Two years (give or take) after I began, I typed 'the end'. It was a labour of love, and turned out to be a book chunky enough to rival any of my kids' baby thighs, but I was so proud to have finished it. I was also pregnant with my fourth baby and felt like I needed to get it finished before giving birth, knowing from experience that the cycle of having no time for writing was about to restart.

Months passed, during which time I asked two different acquaintances at different times to help me with creating a cover. Both times, I thought they were perfect, before quickly realising that neither of them represented my story accurately. This became the perfect excuse for me to continue sitting on my book. That, and near constant edits. I can't tell you how many times I read that thing in an effort to ensure it was as perfect as I could possibly make it.

Even more months passed, motherhood sweeping me up and letting me almost forget about the book baby I'd created. Almost, but not quite. It's a funny thing when you create something; it's a level of personal that I could have never imagined until I did it. I simultaneously wanted to shout from the rooftops that I'd written a book, while also never wanting anyone to know or read it. Essentially, I paralysed myself with my own fear.

Four years (give or take) after I completed the book, I broke down one night to my husband. I was disappointed with myself for having accomplished this huge thing and doing nothing about it. The next morning, when I woke up, he had the first draft of a cover ready. With a few suggestions from me, we tweaked it and that afternoon, I finally hit publish, under the pen name 'Killian Grayson'.

I'm not exaggerating when I say that without him, I probably never would've published it. Then another funny thing happend - no one really read my book. All of those fears I had suddenly became laughable. And indeed, I have laughed several times about that through the intervening months, because if there's one thing I'm good at in this life, it's finding the humour in any situation.

More months passed, and I put a lot of work into myself and my mental health during that time. Eventually, I told the people in my life I thought I'd never tell, and the world didn't end. Then one day, I logged into my personal Instagram account that I'd had deactivated for two years, and announced my book to my real life friends. And still, the world didn't end.

But as more and more time passed, and I slowly but surely discovered more and more of myself, I finally realised what the true missing ingredient had been all along.

I didn't feel like Killian Grayson anymore.

I used a pen name because at that stage of my life, it felt vital to keep my two 'selves' separate, but the more I tried to keep them separate, the more inauthentic I began to feel.

Of course, I waited to have this groundbreaking realisation after my incredible husband had done all the legwork on my website, social media pages, emails, etc., etc., which has created its own whirlwind of correction, but we are almost finally done! My book now exists in the world authored by Courtenay Bennett - the name that appears on my driver's license. And although this change comes with some fairly daunting feelings of its own, it also feels right. Because it's real, and I finally feel like me.

So if you got this far, thank you. And if you'd like to take a chance on an unconventional romance between a woman and the two men she didn't know she needed, Never Have I Ever is now available to read on Amazon and through Kindle Unlimited - link on the 'By Courtenay' page. And if you happen to see the name Killian still lurking anywhere... we're working on it! ;-)